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QUOTES

Thanks to The L Word Transcripts for some of these quotes.

SEASON ONE:

Episode 101-102: The Pilot
• Alice to Dana: You are just so gay!
• Alice: For your information, I'm looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman. / Dana: Big tits
• Dana: She looks like she's been around the block a few times. / Shane: What's wrong with that?
• Shane: Fresh meat. / Alice: New blood. / Dana: Crissspy. / Alice to Dana: Uh-uh.
• Kit: There's only one thing that comes across all our realities...it's love.
• Bette: You ever notice that whenever Shane walks in the room, someone runs out crying?

Episode 103: Let's Do It
• Shane: Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual...you just go with the flow.
• Bette to Alice: Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else? / Alice: Because they are.
• Alice: We're all connected...through love, through loneliness...through one tiny lamentable lapse of judgment. All of us in our isolation, we reach out from the darkness, from the alienation of modern life from these connections.
• Alice to Dana: You don't have Gaydar!
• Bette to Dana: We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of a Miss Lara Perkins.
• Dana: Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian. / Alice: Yeah, like the straight kind. 
• Alice to Bette and Tina: You're really cutting edge now -- lesbian moms, biracial child...
• Tim to Jenny: We are not gonna let this ruin our evening, okay? We're gonna go back out there and have a good time and whatever competitive thing you have going with Marina, just talk to her, you know, kiss and make up or whatever you girls do.
• Marina to Jenny: Are you happy? / Jenny to Marina: Don't ask me that.
• Jenny: I'm just really not used to the way this feels...this ring.

Episode 104: Longing
• Jenny: This is the very first time in my life that I've actually felt safe. / Marina: Do you want to be safe?
• Tim to Marina: I'm obviously no match for you." / Marina: Well, you never know until you try.
• Alice: [singing] Hey Gabby you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind. / Shane: Easy with the 80s pop this early in the morning.
• Dana to Lara [Lara just cut herself]: I'm sorry! / Lara: It's okay. / Dana: Jesus, you're disfigured!
• Shane to Alice: I don't know, Al, she still seems pretty cold in the streets to me. / Alice: Cold in the streets, hot in the sheets!
• Alice to Gabby: Gabby, I really enjoyed the time we spent together but it's obvious to me that we are at different levels and we really want different things out of a relationship. I respect myself too much to let you treat me this way. It's pretty clear that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love. I'm not gonna let you waste my valuable time. So step off, bitch.
• Shane: I don't do relationships.
• Bette: I am here to see Mrs. Peabody. / Concierge: The code word. / Bette: You need a secret code to see Mrs. Peabody? / Concierge: That is correct. / Bette: Shazzam.
• Peggy Peabody to Bette: Oh, please, don't be such a pussy!
• Jenny to Marina: Every time I look at you I feel so completely dismantled.

Episode 105: Lies Lies Lies
• Nick to Jenny: Commitment is dreary. It's not your thing. You have to...dig deeper...Tell me something interesting. / Jenny: I've been doing these really terrible things.
• Nick: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies... and many shades of grey lies. But some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness. Lies that preserve dignity.

Episode 106: Lawfully
• Lenore to Alice [about her 'moment' with Shane after she added her name to the chart]: Mm-hmm. Remember the other night at the party, when we were talking? / Alice: Yeah, we were all talking. You can't be on the chart for talking.
• Tina [joking with Bette about a last-name combo, Portard, for their child]: Hey, Poor Tard, how's your two moms, ya big gay-mo?
• Lara to Dana: So who is the sexiest tennis player in the world? / Dana: [giggles, puts her head on Lara's shoulder] Anna Kournikova?
• Lara to Dana: You are so fucking hot. I wanna have sex with you right now.
• Alice: Oh... [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my baloney has a second name -- / Shane: Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, alright?
• Alice to Shane: Hey, hey. I'm really sorry you got Lenore'd.
• Marina to Jenny: The demons that tempt you. That you struggle with...Am I that demon?
• Jenny to Tim: That minister, um, was pretty great, wasn't she? / Tim: Why? Because she's a woman?
• Lara to Dana: You have to at least take some steps towards being out.  / Dana: I will. / Lara: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet. / Dana: I know. / Lara: And you are really... really gay. / Dana: [whispering] I know. / Lara: You know, it's one of the things I like so much about you. When you hide that, you're hiding the best part.
• Kit to Melvin: You should be careful not to take your anger over what happened between you and me out on Bette. She's been hurt enough by that. All she wants is your blessing. Why would you deny her that? For biology? Don't turn Bette away from you because you can't find it in yourself to accept her situation. She thinks the world of you. You reject her and Tina's child and that's just what you'll be doing. Do you really wanna do that? Open your door 13 years later and see your daughter's face, older and a stranger's?

Episode 107: Losing It

• Alice: [phone] Shane! Where are you. It's really, really lonely here at The Planet. And your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross. Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye.
• Shane: Hey. Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. / Alice: Ugh. Do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?
• Kit to Tina: Oh. What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on?
• Tim to Marina: What is it you do? You girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count? / Marina: Well, you were there. You saw how much it counts.
• Dana to Alice: Okay, so, what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual?
• Tina to Alice: I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or a man? / Dana to Alice:  Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual? / Kit: [chuckles] Damn, what is it with you people and your need to take apart everything and process each little detail? If the dude wanna give up his white man rights to be a second-class citizen, then hey, welcome to our world.

Episode 108: L'Ennui

• Alice to Bette and Tina: Okay. Here goes. The reason we've gathered here, your friends and family - because we really do consider you guys our family. That's why we were at that... ritual... thing...Is to perform an intervention.
• Alice: Bette? I don't want you to think this is just about Tina. / Bette: No, I'm sure. Bored the hell out of you.
• Lisa: What were you doing last night around 9:15? / Alice: I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth. (laughs) / Lisa: Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.
• Tina: [watching Dana dance] Dana's really gettin' down with her bad self. / Bette: Yeah, and I bet her bad self's gonna feel real bad in the morning.
• Bette to Tina: Here. Quick. Slip under my cloak of boringness. No one will even notice we're gone.
• Alice: Hey you guys, where are Bette and Tina? / Alice:  Boring. / Dana: Yeah. So boring. / Shane: I don't know. You know, I've been thinking about it. What's more boring, right? (to Alice) You can make endless lists. (to Dana) You can bawl your head off, and puke over the side of the boat. Or you get to go home. You get to sleep with the same person you've been in love with for 7 years.
• Jenny to Marina: Who is Francesca? / Marina: Francesca. You know, I told you. Everybody knows. / Jenny: No. I don't know.
• Marina: You'll find that your life is richer, more full of possibilities and choices. I've opened up your world. / Jenny: Fuck you.
• Subaru Rep to Dana: See, our concept is, uh, we wanna position you as the gay Anna Kournikova.

Episode 109: Luck, Next Time

Coming soon